3rd chapter – 21th part

Bitter thoughts…

Teacher A and I were talking in the classroom, “I dreamt myself straightening my back, and finally I was able to walk again, and Teacher was very happy when you saw me.” Teacher said,” Thinking about it is ok, but during washing your own clothes or be the student on duty that moment, you will still feel tough right?”

She continued, ”There was a girl who suffer the same illness once wrote a poem “God made me disable, why do I still believe in god, is this testing my endurance?” Forcing the child to this end, I also felt helpless.”

I said, ”But teacher, actually I also thought of this too, why my body will suddenly fail on me, the reason could be sacrificing a lot of people’s convenience, giving them lots of trouble. Not only that, I also tried lots of reasons to comfort myself.”

Looking out of the window, I saw the beautiful rainbow and I hurried to my wheelchair and went out. Classmate T told me, “Wow. You’re so lucky to sit on the wheelchair.” I actually wanted to reply. “To me, walking is much more fortunate thing.” But not to spoil the beautiful rainbow scenario, I kept quiet.

Every Saturday, dad and mum and pick me up and stay at home for a night. Then Sunday night, I will return back to school. Every time seeing me with new bruises, Mum asked.” Do you fall often?” I answered, “Its due to rushing for time, because my movements are too slow, I have to ask the hostel auntie wake me up at 4am and study. Otherwise, I will never finish a day’s work… But sometimes I fall when I’m impatient and my movements are getting stiff, so I tend to fall down easily.”

All the while, I always wanted to maintain my walking ability, only when I am out then I will use the wheelchair. But some things are pretty urgent, for example the long journey to the library, because of the lack of time, I have to use the wheelchair. I take the wheelchair, my mind will always wander “Every time taking the wheelchair I would feel,” I could no longer walk anymore” That really makes me feel sad.

I met the hostel auntie at the passageway. ”Good morning.” ”Eh? You are taking the wheelchair, not bad maintaining a happy attitude.” Hearing those words, I felt my heart stuffy unable to breathe. I thought to myself.” What’s so happy about? I want to walk too. All because of unable to walk, makes me so troubled. I have no choice but to sit the wheelchair, do everyone thinks I enjoy sitting on the wheelchair?”

My mood was feeling really depressed that I don’t want to live up my head. My illness is getting worse… cause mum’s white hair seems to start appearing more and more…
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3rd chapter – 20th part

Change of School. Life in the Hostel.

A car full of daily items, I finally join the Special School. Other students have also started going to school once the new term starts. The room was very big and spacious like a classroom and there’s a small passageway at the middle of the room with Tatami lying on the floor to differentiate the left and right of the room.

Everyone have his or her own study table, cabinet and lamp. The area nearest my room is my castle.
“You do not need these things yet, so it will be tight above; daily items that you will need everyday will be within reach.” Mum said as she unpacks everything for me.
Besides me, there were a few other girls’ mum busy unpacking for them, nobody bothered about my presence and I wondered if it should be a good or a bad thing.

“You have to forget about your previous school soon, and be a student here.” Teacher told me. For trying to forget the past as soon as possible, I kept the school badge in the deepest cornet of my drawer.

It’s getting more and more difficult for me to walk forward properly. I had to use all my might holding onto the handrails and my mouth would kept repeating…’ Don’t’ be afraid… Don’t be afraid…’ ‘Is it that I really can’t do it anymore?’ I wondered, and thinking these depressing things really makes me very lost.

“Human Beings sure can walk!”
B teacher words still linger around my mind. I also think so too! I want to walk forward and fight this on my own.

While on my way to the classroom, I fell down. I was crying and Teacher A saw me. He asked, “Are you feeling sad?” And I answered, “Instead of feeling sad, I think I felt unfair!”

Why do human beings use their legs to walk? It is natural to see friends running with their legs but now I can’t stop wondering why they can run and not me. Now walking is already a difficult task for me. Is this a correct choice to choose where I am now? Sometimes watching kids playing baseball… teacher playing with students at the hallway… Really makes me feel scary and lost.

Although I am no longer the student in my previous school, I still can’t acknowledge myself the reality of me being a student in this Special school.
If a stranger asked me which school I am from, this might be my answer I guess…
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Only Human – Ken Hirai

Only Human (OST One Litre of Tears)

Kanashimi no mukou kishi ni
Hohoemi ga aru toiu yo

Kanashimi no mukou kishi ni
Hohoemi ga aru to iu yo
Tadori tsuku sono saki ni wa
Nani ga bokura wo matteru?

Nigeru tame ja naku yume ou tame ni
Tabi ni deta hazusa tooi natsu no ano hi

Ashita sae mieta nara tame iki mo nai kedo
Nagare ni sakarau fune no you ni
Ima wa mae he susume

Kurushimi no tsukita basho ni
Shiawase ga matsu toiu yo
Boku wa mada sagashite iru
Kisetsu hazure no himawari

Kobushi nigirishime asahi wo mateba
Akai tsume ato ni namida kirari ochiru

Kodoku ni mo nareta nara
Tsuki akari tayori ni
Hane naki tsubasa de tobi tatou
Motto mae he susume

Amagumo ga kireta nara
Nureta michi kagayaku
Yami dake ga oshiete kureru
Tsuyoi tsuyoi hikari
Tsuyoku mae he susume
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Simple and Clean – Utada Hikaru

Simple and Clean

English Theme Song
Vocals: Utada Hikaru

You’re giving me too many things
Lately you’re all I need
You smiled at me and said,

Don’t get me wrong I love you
But does that mean I have to meet your father?
When we are older you’ll understand
What I meant when I said “No,
I don’t think life is quite that simple”

* When you walk away
You don’t hear me say please
Oh baby, don’t go
Simple and clean is the way that you’re making me feel tonight
It’s hard to let it go

The daily things that keep us all busy
Are confusing me
That’s when you came to me and said,

Wish I could prove I love you
But does that mean I have to walk on water?
When we are older you’ll understand
It’s enough when I say so
And maybe some things are that simple

repeat *

** Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning
Is a little later on
Regardless of warnings the future doesn’t scare me at all
Nothing’s like before

repeat *, ** {2x}
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